In A Perfect World!

Rogue Row

rogueAs I was recently looking back on the winter of my 68th (Sigh!) year I was feeling a tad down when my old buddy Jack O’Lantern came by. Lights up a room the minute he steps in. Kinda reminds me of the days with Bill and Old Blanc! Jack’s the type that’ll soon have ya feeling like you’re living in a perfect world. Yet, he can slice a mosquito ‘tween the shoulder blades with his ‘Edge Brand’ knife at 14 feet! Yessirree, vaccinated with a phonograph needle. him. [Under 32 years old – look it up]. And on that line, kids nowadays hardly know how to throw a rock or kick a can. Always with one foot on the gas and one on the emergency brake. I asked him, over a light lunch of fried dill pickles and hen-parts, “What d’ya think Jack?” Without missing a blink, “It’d take a big dog to weigh a ton!” True! Used to be with the ‘Seek ‘Em Out’ PI team. When ‘they’ saw him coming ‘they’ scattered like ants beneath an overturned rock! Excuse the hypothetical hypothesis [Beneath an overturned!]. Shades of, “Dear, why do they call it a 4-foot level?” Which sends me whistling, ‘Ding Dong, Merrily On High’ by G.R. Woodward (1848-1934). Taberduker! Then, I’m sadly reminded of the fellow who stated, “In a perfect world there’d be a cup-holder on the back of every pew! There is! But, like topology vs typology! Still, I won’t excoriate him here, in a derogatory manner. Because, as Jack would say, “In a perfect world every day is made more fit for grinnin’ than for growlin’!” So – don’t be like the dagger that cries when sheathed and laughs when drawn! Then, I’ve checked the snow cover and compactability and I clait it’ll be just 35 days til I’m pickin’ fiddleheads in my secret patch. Fresh fiddleheads and trout – it’ll put the hair on your chest …

Hair On Your Chest

Grandfather used to tell me
Loose black tea’s the best
To put the lead in your pencil
And the hair on your chest,
And Daddy used to ding me
My boy, let me suggest —–
It’ll put the lead in your pencil
And the hair on your chest,
But really, let’s be honest
Whatever your request
There’s no detours nor shortcuts
To quiet peaceful rest,
Beans laced with pork fat
If you want to “ace the test”
Will put the lead in your pencil
And the hair on your chest,
Carbolic salve and iodine
And, germs will be impressed
Balm of Gilead ointment
For whatever has transgressed,
The milk of ‘Mama’s Magic’
And – it ain’t no contest
For puttin’ the lead in your pencil
And the hair on your chest,
If you’re feeling poorly
All stressed and unblessed
You can’t seem to function
And your belly won’t digest,
Try a “picker-upper”
Rejuvenate your jest
You’ll be stompin’ ‘n rompin’
And beating your breast
With … lead in your pencil
And … hair on your chest!

    D.C. Butterfield

Jack used to be a bouncer at the old-timer’s ‘Cripple Creek Barroom’ where they served a gritty Grab-Grub ‘N Gone gourmeless gobble fest where one could graze, gulp, and gambol gladly! There, he learned the “politician’s priori” – If you can’t make ’em bleed … you can sure drain ’em drop by drip! There too, it was rumoured that Barbie Millicent Roberts [The original full name of ‘Barbie’] had gamophobia! Imagine! Or, was it only (Onliest?) monumental marketing to colossal capitalism? Shades of chasing a china cha-ching re-pop! But not in China, Maine! And, there’s also a place called Batman in SE Turkey, near Diyarbakir!

Seriously, in my workaday world days, [1964 – 2014+] “work” and “easy” sure didn’t go together! Mostly 12 hour day and night shifts in a workplace that never slept! Taberduker! And, to the Ladies, what’s the real difference ‘tween wearing a mink or beaver coat and … one made from baby lamb? Baby lamb!!! As one might hear in Holland, “Effen nyt!” Exactly nothing! And, I see where they’re actually advertising stuff made with/from Antarctica “krill” – the ultimate “indicator species”. TFB! Think about it – hard! Irregardless, that’s bottom of the food-chain wrong! Irrefrangible, inviolable, illusionistic – apodictic! Sometimes, even in a perfect world, we need to “shake the baby” as opposed to living “snug as a tea cozy”. Me, I’m not a “helicopter column commentologist” so – I’ll say it, “When its all said and done … its usually more “said” than “done”!

Have Pen – Will Write     

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