Let’s Talk about Sex… the Consensual Kind!
by Emily Lockhart
Emily Lockhart grew up in Perth Andover and graduated from Southern Victoria high school in 2005. She holds a BA in Sociology and Women’s Studies and an MA in Sociology from the University of New Brunswick. She is currently a Ph.D. student in Socio-legal studies at York University in Toronto. Her research focuses on legal responses to sexual violence against young women. She is an educator and advocate for empowering youth against rape culture. Should you have any questions about the information provided or wish to have Emily speak to your group or organization please contact her at elock06@yorku.ca.
The new school year is underway and by now parents and teachers have settled into the routine of guiding students in responsible homework and extra-curricular practices. There is one other responsibility that I encourage ALL parents and teachers to bring up with students: responsible and consensual sexual practices.
Our New Brunswick Health curriculum for grades K-7 has not been updated since 2005 and the curriculum for grades 8-12 does not address important issues related to sex. It is important to remember that teachers are not to blame for the inadequate health education curriculum since they are bound by the provincial guidelines. In light of this, it is important for parents to keep in mind that students are not getting the information that they need at school. You can be sure that what they don’t learn about sex at school, they are learning from other mediums such as their peers, online, and on TV and these messages are not entirely healthy. They present stereotypes about gender and sex that reinforce rather than challenge ideas about who is responsible for preventing assault and who is to blame when sexual violence does occur.
Traditional approaches to sexual education in New Brunswick (and across Canada) have focused primarily on protecting one’s self from risks such as unwanted pregnancy and STIs. Although important, the current curriculum often leaves untouched a critical issue in the lives of young people: sexual violence.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that rape culture in high schools has only recently become a problem but it has remained largely invisible. Within the past year there have been a number of devastating rapes, sexual assaults, sexual cyber-bullying cases and suicides within high school communities across North America.
On August 11th, 2012 in Steubenville, Ohio, high school football players Ma’lik Richmond and Trent Mays raped and allegedly urinated on an unconscious sixteen-year old girl at a high school party then they posted pictures on Instagram of the assault and commented about the crime on Twitter. The public, including myself, however, did not react until Anonymous hacked into one of the teen’s cell phone and released a video to the public depicting a group of Steubenville Ohio high school boys joking about the crime. The lack of humanity demonstrated by the teens that laughed about Richmond and Mays dragging the girl away and raping her after she passed out at a party, is evidence that rape culture continues to permeate society in drastic ways. The victim, whose name and identity has been protected because she is a minor, became the target of vicious slut shaming and extremely misogynistic and derogatory comments made in a joking manner by the boys in the video. Baseball player Michael Nodianos, who also tweeted comments such as “some people deserve to be peed on” laughed as he referred to the victim as “more raped than the Duke Lacrosse team”, “deader than Trayvon Martin”, “deader than Caylee Anthony”, and how “she is so raped her puss is as dry as the sun right now”. This is a perfect yet horrifying example of how rape culture mentality works and the comments posted online regarding the video demonstrate how rape culture continues to allow for members of society to blame women for putting themselves in risky situations in the first place.
This popular trial consumed the media over a short week and concluded with a guilty verdict for both perpetrators on March 17th 2013. Both Richmond and Mays were found guilty of digitally penetrating Jane Doe and Mays was also found guilty of illegal use of a minor in nudity-oriented material. Both boys will serve their sentence at a juvenile detention center until they turn twenty-one and once they are released, will have to register as sex offenders.
What is concerning in this case is that the adults who knew about it tried to cover it up. There was serious backlash against the victim for ruining the futures of two promising football players. In addition, evidence was heard in court that football coach Reno Saccoccia assured the boys that he would ‘take care of it’ so that they would not be suspended and benched. A Grand Jury composed of nine jurors and five alternatives is currently deciding if the coach and others involved will face charges. According to the Ohio Attorney General, this process needs to be secretive in order to protect the innocent but the decisions will be made public once they are reached. In the meantime however, Reno Saccoccia’s coaching contract has been extended by two years. If this is not an excellent example of the symbolic marriage of jock culture and rape culture, then what is?
Eerily similar to the Steubenville case, in November 2011 four boys at a party in Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia allegedly raped Rehtaeh Parsons. One of those boys allegedly took a photo of the act and circulated it on social media and through text messages to students at Rehtaeh’s school and community. The harassment following the circulation of the photo became so severe that Rehtaeh’s mental health deteriorated. She suffered from anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide and eventually admitted herself into the IWK in Halifax. On April 7th 2013 Rehtaeh tragically passed away after hanging herself in a bathroom at home. Her family has shared intimate details about Rehtaeh’s life and death that have sparked a discourse about sexual violence, rape culture and slut shaming while raising awareness about the inaction of the legal system in response to it.
Rehtaeh’s father, Glenn Canning stated in his blog, “My daughter wasn’t bullied to death, she was disappointed to death. Disappointed in people she thought she could trust, her school and the police” (Canning, 2013). On August 8th, 2013 two eighteen-year old males from Halifax were arrested. One on charges of distributing child pornography and the other on charges of making and distributing child pornography however, the police stated in an interview with the Canadian Press, “investigators again examined whether or not charges could be laid and determined that the available evidence did not meet the threshold for sexual assault charges against the two individuals in this matter”. Rehtaeh’s mother, Leah Parsons, maintains that these charges could have been laid months ago. In an interview with CBC, Ms. Parsons explained that she and Rehtaeh reported the alleged sexual assault to the police six days after it occurred and provided them with the photo and the harassing text messages that Rehtaeh received from peers.
In addition to Jane Doe and Rehtaeh Parsons girls such as Audrey Potts (Saratoga), Felicia Garcia (Staten Island), Savanna Dietrich (Louisville) and Daisy Coleman (Maryville) all experienced similar events because the perpetrators claimed they didn’t understand that an intoxicated person could not legally give consent. In order to prevent cases like these in our communities we need to start thinking seriously about educating young people.
The highest level of sexual education curriculum reaches grade 7 where students are taught to challenge myths and stereotypes about sex. Although I feel that this should be introduced earlier given that these stereotypes are coming from every angle in society, I will not complain that the education system is at least addressing stereotypes before high school. Shockingly though, the discussion stops there. At the most critical time for students who are beginning to explore their sexuality, they are not receiving ongoing education about positive sexuality. Students go to high school, some begin to socialize and attend parties and there has not been a throughout discussion about sexual assault and the legal meaning of consent. In order to challenge rape culture in high schools (and middle schools for that matter) we MUST start talking openly about the meaning of true informed consent.
Sex is thought of as a commodity and therefore, the common belief is that we as women are responsible for being the safeguards of our bodies. Instead of men actively seeking consent, the traditional model has placed the burden on us to actively say ‘NO’. Let’s throw that out the window. “No means No” isn’t working.
Instead, how about we teach young men (and women for that matter) that consent is attractive and incredibly desirable. I’m not just talking about a soft muttered under the breath ‘yes’. I’m talking about a full, un-inebriated, enthusiastic, scream it from the rooftops YES!!!
How do you teach your kids that? Here are 7 Tips:
1. Practice it in your own Relationships
This may seem ridiculous for people that have been dating or married for years but is it really so crazy? Wouldn’t it be sexier if he or she showed you that they really wanted it and gave you a YES before you had sex? If we understand that as adults, it is possible to teach our children to wait for the same type of consent before engaging in sexual activities? This is important for both men and women to understand. Mutual respect is an ingredient to great consensual sex.
2. Use Sex-positive Language
Talking about sex like it is taboo will only close the lines of communication. Teach positive sexuality which will make the conversation more comfortable and make you more approachable when they have questions.
3. Move beyond just the ‘Sex Talk’
Your teenager may not be having sex but may be doing other activities with an element of sexuality such as sexting or taking and distributing sexual pictures. In a world of Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and texting, young people are developing their identities in different ways then you did. They need some guidance here about the legal consequences of taking and distributing child pornography. Explain to them that two of the boys who took and sent pictures of Rehtaeh Parsons are currently facing child pornography charges.
4. Open up the Criminal Code
Many young people don’t know what constitutes consent according to the law. Make sure that they know that someone under the influence of drugs or alcohol cannot give consent. More information about subsections 273.1 and 273.2 of the Criminal Code are available online (www.yourlaws.ca).
5. Don’t Victim Blame
When talking about sexual consent, refrain from using language that blames the potential victims. You want to make sure that they understand that it is normal that teens will engage in irresponsible behavior including excessive drinking and drug use but that this does not mean that it excuses any type of illegal sexual activity. If your son or daughter has been victimized, do not blame them. This is dangerous. They need support to be empowered.
6. Empower Youth not to be Bystanders
Double standards affect boys and girls differently. While boys who have a lot of sex might be called ‘studs’, their female peers who have a lot of sex are labeled ‘sluts’. Teaching young people to challenge double standards is critical in eradicating high school rape culture. Young people can be empowered not to stand by or be secondary participants in sexual bullying or assault.
7. Don’t be Silent
The saying that a community raises a child is true here. The community empowers its children and plays a very important role in molding them into respectful citizens. Rape culture and all of the stereotypes that go along with it are embedded within society. Sharing your knowledge and experiences with others can have a powerful impact on dismantling rape culture. If you become aware of instances of sexual bullying or assault among youth please SPEAK UP!
This is a subject line (Rape Culture) many of us are not comfortable with. We never even want to believe that our kids are having sex let alone non consensual sex! We have a duty as parents, educators, and community to ask why our youth are not receiving the education from their most resourceful sources (home and school) and ask ourselves, what we need to do to make sure no one has to endure the pain that these youths have suffered… even died from. It just doesn’t go away because we would rather not think about it…